he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
