I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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