I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
