god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
