i will never coherently bang her
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
