dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
