I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
