She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
