you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Who put my cat in the fridge?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
