I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
