Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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