I'm so fucking centered right now
Porn is love you can see.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
