i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
