3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
