having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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