I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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