peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
