I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
