Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
