Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
