I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
