the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
