Your mouth is God's brothel.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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