What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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