I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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