i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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