your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
