I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
