FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
