1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
