I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
