My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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