Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
