seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
