so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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