i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
