his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
