I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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