Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
