at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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