This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
