I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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