This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
