He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
