I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
