i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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