oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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