so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
