Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
