For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
