In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
