It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
