u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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